So I didn't leave the house for the longest time. What was the point? I had everything I needed there. But the day came that I had to start school again.This time I had big plans. I wasn't going to glide through the semester as usual. I was going to put myself out there and try big things. Scary thought for an introvert. Let me back up. Over the summer, I really got into following signs. After listening to a woman on the radio talk about how often Angels try to leave signs for people, I decided to keep an eye out. Well, my signs just started popping up all over the city. Now that I recognized them, they were unavoidable! If I was unsure about a friendship, the right song came on the radio. If had doubts about decisions I made, I'd find my answer while glancing at a pile of junk mail on the counter. They were so evident. How could I not listen to them? I gained a lot of weight over the summer. I got so frustrated with my failed diets that I swore I wouldn't attempt a diet within the next 30 days. That was a fun time but I know now that I can't eat that way forever. One of the big signs that came to me was Bollywood. Yes, totally left field! But staying home all summer, all I wanted to do was watch bollywood movies. They were the perfect escape from the messy beginning of summer. I took it as a sign and ran with it. I thought "how could I fit more of this into my life?" The answer was in a dance team at the university. Bollywood, Bhangra, Tollywood, Garba etc... Now, I've never been a dancer. I sing and paint. Those are my fortes. But I was feeling frivolous. First came the interest meeting, then the practices. I was humiliated at my dancing. Bhangra moves were so difficult to grasp that I'd stay up all night trying to master them. Plus it was in a room full of mirrors. I was ready for therapy after an experience like that. My stylist even gave me a kind of buzz cut in the midst of it all. Fact: I do not like buzzes. not in the least. Finally the tryout day came. I felt pretty confident but when the moment came I clammed up and it was just not good. 2 1/2 days later I was in bed just wallowing in regret for putting myself out there like that. Then I got the message. "Congratulations! We are excited to..." I jumped out of bed in a jolt of happiness. Then I read, further. I got in as an alternate member which made sense. My dancing wasn't great, so why would they take a chance with letting me compete? I gladly accepted. and I was officially apart of a team. It was kinda surreal. I was really concerned about fitting in. Sometimes I fit in greatly with a crowd and other times I simply don't. I t was a big risk. While this group of great south asian dancers are very nice and supportive, why do I still feel nervous before every practice? Am I really still worried about being liked? Well to make sure, I thought I should put myself out there even more. I was invited to a black light party downtown. Almost everyone from the dance team was going to be there and black lights are fun so why not. I did have a pretty good time. But after so many creepers started stealing my buddies away to dance, I really started to feel out of place. It got hot and crowded and I realized why I never do things like this. At this moment I was really frustrated with myself. Why do I need reassurance of being liked all the time? What's it gonna take 'til I simply won't care. I had an epiphany. I knew what it would take; change on my own behalf. I had to stop thinking so hard about what others thought and more about myself. I went home and crashed landed in bed. I felt exhausted yet hopeful that the next day I could be determined to accept all parts of myself. Buzz cut and all.
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