Bhangra, Buzz Cuts, and Black Light Parties

So I didn't leave the house for the longest time. What was the point? I had everything I needed there. But the day came that I had to start school again.This time I had big plans. I wasn't going to glide through the semester as usual. I was going to put myself out there and try big things. Scary thought for an introvert. Let me back up. Over the summer, I really got into following signs. After listening to a woman on the radio talk about how often Angels try to leave signs for people, I decided to keep an eye out. Well, my signs just started popping up all over the city. Now that I recognized them, they were unavoidable! If I was unsure about a friendship, the right song came on the radio. If had doubts about decisions I made, I'd find my answer while glancing at a pile of junk mail on the counter. They were so evident. How could I not listen to them? I gained a lot of weight over the summer. I got so frustrated with my failed diets that I swore I wouldn't attempt a diet within the next 30 days. That was a fun time but I know now that I can't eat that way forever. One of the big signs that came to me was Bollywood. Yes, totally left field! But staying home all summer, all I wanted to do was watch bollywood movies. They were the perfect escape from the messy beginning of summer. I took it as a sign and ran with it. I thought "how could I fit more of this into my life?" The answer was in a dance team at the university. Bollywood, Bhangra, Tollywood, Garba etc... Now, I've never been a dancer. I sing and paint. Those are my fortes. But I was feeling frivolous. First came the interest meeting, then the practices. I was humiliated at my dancing. Bhangra moves were so difficult to grasp that I'd stay up all night trying to master them. Plus it was in a room full of mirrors. I was ready for therapy after an experience like that. My stylist even gave me a kind of buzz cut in the midst of it all. Fact: I do not like buzzes. not in the least. Finally the tryout day came. I felt pretty confident but when the moment came I clammed up and it was just not good. 2 1/2 days later I was in bed just wallowing in regret for putting myself out there like that. Then I got the message. "Congratulations! We are excited to..." I jumped out of bed in a jolt of happiness. Then I read, further. I got in as an alternate member which made sense. My dancing wasn't great, so why would they take a chance with letting me compete? I gladly accepted. and I was officially apart of a team. It was kinda surreal. I was really concerned about fitting in. Sometimes I fit in greatly with a crowd and other times I simply don't. I t was a big risk. While this group of great south asian dancers are very nice and supportive, why do I still feel nervous before every practice? Am I really still worried about being liked? Well to make sure, I thought I should put myself out there even more. I was invited to a black light party downtown. Almost everyone from the dance team was going to be there and black lights are fun so why not. I did have a pretty good time. But after so many creepers started stealing my buddies away to dance, I really started to feel out of place. It got hot and crowded and I realized why I never do things like this. At this moment I was really frustrated with myself. Why do I need reassurance of being liked all the time? What's it gonna take 'til I simply won't care. I had an epiphany. I knew what it would take; change on my own behalf. I had to stop thinking so hard about what others thought and more about myself. I went home and crashed landed in bed. I felt exhausted yet hopeful that the next day I could be determined to accept all parts of myself. Buzz cut and all.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

*Ghost Town Campus*

So there I was, sitting in the passenger seat of a friends car. First of all, I didn't want to be there. It was exam week and I needed to be studying but my "friend" didn't give me that option. He just showed up at my building and insisted we go get lunch at some gross uppity restaurant. Meanwhile, my phone was having convulsions. One call after the other, a couple other friends seemed a little too desperate to get in touch with me. Eight missed calls later I was livid. They even broke into my dorm to find me. This was when that little trigger went off in my head saying "GET OUT NOW." So I did. As soon as I got back from my dorm and quickly finished a couple of essays, I managed to pack up my entire dorm within four hours. By that time, it was 10:00 PM and everyone on campus was either studying or had gone bar hopping. So the city was, for once, a ghost town. I called my sister and in the dead of night and I sprinted to her car with my arms full of clothes, bags, and my cherished white down comforter. And as she drove away, I watched a chapter of my life get smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror until it disappeared around the bend. I sunk down in my seat with such a great feeling of relief. I was no longer wrapped up in the desire to be admired buy a group of people I had nothing in common with. I was ready to start doing the admiring. So my wonderful sister got us pizza and we spent the night playing with her dog on the empty floor of what would be my new bedroom.

     I spent the next semester living with Joni and it went smoothly. I spent most of my time on campus. Just before classes began, I changed my major from Tourism Management to Anthropology so I was in a new crowd which consisted mostly of geeks and dirty hippies. I kept a comfortable distance from them as I learned that letting people get too close allows them to cross too many boundaries. Even still, I was seeked out by old friends almost everyday. I tried hiding in the small corners of campus just for the sake of not running into someone I know. I even changed my look a little to blend in with the crowd of college students rushing to class. By summer, the texts and phone calls came to an all time worse. So I decided to take a break from the city completely. I needed a  new game plan for a better life. So my parents arrived early on a sunny Saturday to take me home. And as we arrived to our little Valley in the hidden corner of Moonville, the sun was half way down. Maybe a Moonville sunset was the most beautiful site I'd seen in a while or maybe I was just overflowing with hope for a better tomorrow.

*Home*